Skyhorse Publishers

As a woman used to traveling and living the high life in Bangkok, Leanne Shirtliffe recognized the constant fodder for humor while pregnant with twins in Asia’s sin city. Then she and her husband move to Calgary, and Shirtliffe soon finds herself officiating funerals for “Stripper Barbie” and giving kids heart-shaped rashes with the second-hand face paint she applies.

In Don’t Lick the Minivan, Shirtliffe captures the bizarre aspects of parenting in her edgy, honest voice. A delayed encounter with postpartum depression helps Shirtliffe to realize that even if she can’t teach her kids how to tie their shoelaces, she’s a good enough mom. Don’t Lick the Minivan will have parents laughing out loud. Shirtliffe’s memoir might not replace a therapist, but it is a lot cheaper.

Parenting/Humor

Available May 22, 2013 at the following book retailers:

Amazon.com • Amazon.ca • Chapters Indigo • Barnes & Noble • McNally Robinson • Indie Bound • Books-A-Million

Congratulations to author Leanne Shirtliffe on her new novel, Don’t Lick the Minivan: Things I Never Thought I’d Say To My Kids!

Leanne, have a glass of virtual champagne and tell us about your new arrival!

My bouncing baby book, Don’t Lick the Minivan, could be described as a cross between Sh*t My Dad Says and Let’s Pretend That Never Happened. It’s a funny memoir of the first six years of raising twins.

What did you feed your muse during the book’s development?

I fed my muse gallons of chai tea latte, a respectable amount of red wine, heaps of peanut butter, and dark chocolate. Usually not at the same time.

Did you experience any complications during the growth of this book?

Many. (1) Making time to work on it. (2) Portraying my husband in a funny but not demeaning light. (3) Finding a narrative arc. (4) Eliminating a plethora of sentences that started with “So.”

What is your favorite feature of this book, and why?

A lot of my favorite features are the extras in my book, the items I hadn’t originally planned when I drafted and redrafted the manuscript: the world’s most useless index, the semi-facetious parenting tips, even the acknowledgements. These are the items that are freshest, that I didn’t go over 32 times.

Describe the perfect reader for this book.

My perfect reader is a mom aged 25-50 who orders complicated drinks at Starbucks and hides in the pantry to eat the good chocolate.

Are you expecting any more books (wink, wink)?

I have a number in the embryonic stages, including a funny memoir about growing up wild and free in the 70s and 80s. I’m expecting to make an announcement in the next month about another book in a slightly different genre.

Thanks, Leanne. We wish you much joy (and lots of sales!)

About the Author:

Leanne Shirtliffe is the author of DON’T LICK THE MINIVAN: Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Kids. She’s also the mother of tween twins, a phrase that’s hard to say after two glasses of wine. She writes for the Huffington Post and Nickelodeon’s NickMom.com and has been published by The Christian Science Monitor, The Calgary Herald, and The Globe and Mail. When she’s not wasting brain cells tweeting, she teaches teens who are slightly less hormonal than she is. She lives in Calgary because she likes complaining about the weather.

Buy Leanne’s book. Money will go to support her children’s therapy. Or her own.

Author contact info -

http://IronicMom.com

https://twitter.com/LShirtliffe

https://www.facebook.com/Leanne.Shirtliffe

http://pinterest.com/lshirtliffe/

http://instagram.com/ironicmom

Leroy Brown 2003 – 2013

We adopted Leroy Brown, an apricot pug, from an animal rescue group in our community four years ago. He was the victim of a puppy mill, and spent the first six years of his life in a cage. It’s hard to think about those years — I can only hope it’s true what they say, that dogs live in the moment, and that once he became a member of our family, those horrible memories faded.

He soon became a bright light in our lives. Even my hubby, who wasn’t keen on having another dog in our house (we already had Sam, our Shar-Pei) fell under his spell before too long. Technically Leroy belonged to my daughter, but since I was home all day with him while she went off to school or work, I considered myself his grandmother. We established our own routine: after breakfast I would bring my coffee up to my study, and he would follow, settling beside my desk to sleep while I wrote. Anywhere I was in the house, he was beside me, like a shadow. Around two in the afternoon, he would insist we have a nap together on the bed, and we spent many happy hours snoozing and snoring together.

When my hubby came home from work, Leroy would bark his head off, and act vicious … then at the dinner table, he would head straight to my husband to beg for treats. They had a strange relationship!

He had a cute habit of sticking out his tongue, since he had very few teeth. And he hopped upstairs like a bunny rabbit. He had a funny little waddle when he walked. Our dog Sam tolerated him, since he isn’t the warm and fuzzy type, but on one occasion he saved Leroy’s life. It was during a walk together, when a large dog broke lose from his yard and began to attack Leroy. Sam came to his defense, earning a dangerous bite from the other dog, which had to be cleaned and sutured. But I guess Sam considered Leroy to be  a member of his pack, and nobody messes with Sam’s pack.

My daughter took Leroy with her when she moved out last year, and I missed him terribly. But he often came to visit on evenings and weekends, and it was like he never left.

It’s hard to believe a little scrap of caninity can take such a big piece of your heart, but that’s what Leroy Brown did for all of us in our short time together. Rest in peace, my Leroy.

President Barack Obama at the Resolute Desk, a gift from Queen Victoria

On the left is a nice photo of President Barack Obama at work in the Oval Office. What does the President have to do with Queen Victoria?

Glad you asked.

The HMS Resolute was a 19th century ship of the Royal Navy, especially outfitted for Arctic expeditions. During one of these trips, the ship became trapped in the ice and was abandoned. When it was recovered by an American whaling ship in 1856 and returned to Queen Victoria, she expressed her gratitute to the Americans by having a desk constructed using timbers from the ship. The ‘Resolute’ desk was presented to the White House in 1880 as a gesture of thanks.

The Resolute Desk has been used by a number of presidents. At times it was in the private quarters of the White House, but in recent years it has been used in the Oval Office, seen here with President Obama.

ANNABELLE HYDRANGEA (Hydrangea arborescens ‘Annabelle’) –  I needed a shrub underneath the eaves next to my front terrace, which faces north. In other words, something that required very little sun and not much water. I didn’t think such a plant existed, but the Annabelle was recommended by my local nursery, who called it ‘indestructible, but very pretty to look at.’ 

This bush has survived winter kill and being accidentally maimed by a snow blower. And yet, every spring its little shoots come up, and it blooms into a beautiful bush filled with snowball-like flowers. I water it whenever I remember to, but it doesn’t seem to matter whether I do or not. 

My kind of plant!

SEDUM ‘AUTUMN JOY’ (Stonecrop) – This classic perennial is one of my favorites, and has a reputation for being ‘dependable’ and ‘adaptable’, two great qualities I wish I had more of.  Insects don’t seem interested in the Sedum plant, either, another plus. 

The sedum starts off with rubbery green leaves in the spring, and its sturdy stems support large flower heads that darken with age into a beautiful raspberry hue in the fall. I don’t cut them back until the spring, which gives my garden winter interest and food for the birds. 

HONEYSUCKLE VINE (Lonicera) – Also called a hardy twining honeysuckle, I’ve had one in my garden for years, and love the way it rambles up the iron obelisk and works its way across the back fence. 

These beautiful vines also attract hummingbirds, a definite bonus in any city garden.

Do you have a favorite garden perennial? 

Nancy Drew Cookbook, 1973

Have I lost my mind, posting a recipe with 99 steps??

Relax, there’s only 3 steps to this recipe, pulled from the pages of The Nancy Drew Cookbook: Clues to Good Cooking by Carolyn Keene. 

This recipe is a nod to The Mystery of the 99 Steps, 43rd volume of the Nancy Drew Mystery series (recipe and forward courtesy of the Nancy Drew Sleuth website.)

This is a very basic recipe for French Toast. To be honest, I’ve made other recipes that sounded much tastier, but hey, the year was 1973 — maybe nobody had thought of using thick slabs of french bread, vanilla extract, heavy whipping cream, honey and pecans back in the day. And maybe that’s why Nancy Drew has kept her slim figure after all these years.

From the Forward:

“How can you become a really good cook?”
“‘It’s no mystery,’ Nancy Drew reveals. ‘You must do what fine cooks have always done–add your own special touch.’”
“How do you do this? Let Nancy show you how. Who would be more intrigued to be an adventurer in cooking than a girl who loves to solve mysteries!”

From Chapter 1: Time for Breakfast, here is:

99 Steps French Toast

Ingredients:

4 thin slices bread

1 egg

1/3 cup milk

1 teaspoon butter

Directions:

Beat the egg until it is frothy. Add milk to the mixture and beat again. Melt butter slowly in a skillet. Soak bread slices one by one in the egg mixture and lift them into the skillet with a pancake turner.

For variation of flavor, try adding cinnamon or freshly squeezed orange juice to the batter.

Brown on each side. Serve with fruit, maple syrup, confectioner’s sugar, cinnamon and sugar to taste.

Stop by Selena Robins’ blog for Sweet, Refreshing Iced Tea plus a few snippets from her contemporary Romance – What a Girl Wants.

There are a few rules, however. ALL of my plants are 1) insect resistant 2) easy to maintain and 3) hard to kill. Frankly, I don’t have the time (or the talent) to pamper plants. If they can’t thrive after one season, I move them to another location, and sometimes this works. But if after the next season they still aren’t thriving, I yank them out, throw them on the compost heap or give them away. Heartless, I know, but over the years this system has worked very well for me. Maintaining a good-looking garden still requires a ton of work — feeding, weeding, staking, watering — so why add to your workload with a high maintenance plant? I try to utilize this logic on the people in my life, too, but that’s the subject of  another blog.

If you’re a beginner gardener, or a lazy gardener like me, here are five plants you should AVOID:

MINT (Mentha viridis) – Look up this herb, and you’ll read that it’s ‘easy to grow, and great for making Mojitos’. HA! Spearmint, peppermint, any kind of mint plant is EXTREMELY INVASIVE. If you have a 100 foot square corner of your garden way in the back that you’re looking to fill, go ahead and plant mint. But if you have limited space, do NOT plant mint. Trust me, it’s NOT WORTH IT! You’ll spend hours ripping its  uncontrollable, unstoppable roots from the rest of your garden. If you are making Mojitos, do yourself a favor: go to the grocery store and buy a few mint leaves. You’ll thank me later.

LILLIES (Lilium) – Sure, lillies are beautiful. I love the way they look. I even carried Tiger Lillies in my wedding bouquet, I loved them so much. But when I tried to grow them, my entire garden became infested with lily beetles. I tried everything short of DDT to get rid of the damn things, and finally gave up. (Note: I DO grow Day Lillies, which don’t seem to be affected by these insects).

CREEPING JENNY (Lysimachia nummularia) – I planted this great looking ground cover last year, because I loved its yellowish-green hue. I’ve already begun to regret this decision. Like a relative who stays longer than they should or a bossy friend who takes over your kitchen, Creeping Jenny is now marching, not creeping, into the plants next door to it, crowding them out. Although not as invasive as mint, this plant is beginning to overstay its welcome.

MUGO PINE (Pinus Mugo) – I inherited two Mugo pines (they came with our house). I liked their general appearance, but being a lazy gardener, I had no idea how to care for them. I found out several years later — after winning one battle with an infestation of Needle Scale, an insect that hatches scaly eggs that suck the juices of the plant — GROSS — that pruning a Mugo Pine requires regular, dedicated, time-consuming attention. You can’t just hack off a few branches here and there. You must prune their ‘candles’ (the new shoots that grow every spring) so they don’t become MONSTER SHRUBS, like ours did. And if you don’t prune them properly, the end result looks like they were attacked by a bonsai pruner on crack.

BISHOPS WEED (Gout Weed) — My first clue about this plant should have been the word ‘weed’ in its name, but I was seduced by the varigated nature of its leaves, and I was looking to fill an empty spot in my garden. But it turns out this plant is insidious, and really has no place in an active, virile garden, since it chokes everything in its path. To be fair, this plant has its place in the landscaping world. Some people like it because it’s a ‘nice-looking’ plant for keeping weeds down in areas that won’t be attended to. Another plus? It doesn’t invade your grass (like Creeping Jenny — GRRRR).

There you have it, the top five plants on my hit list. Do you have any you’d like to add? Or perhaps an unpleasant gardening experience you’d like to share?

Recipe courtesy of Canadian Living Magazine.

Photography by Yvonne Duivenvoorden

Baked Spring Rolls

In a large skillet, heat half of the vegetable oil over medium-high heat; cook mushrooms, green onions, garlic and ginger, stirring, until mushrooms are slightly softened, about 2 minutes. Stir in cabbage, carrot, red pepper, salt and pepper; cook, stirring, until tender-crisp, about 4 minutes.

Whisk together water, cornstarch and hoisin sauce; pour over cabbage mixture, stirring to combine. Transfer to bowl and let cool. 

Lay 1 spring roll wrapper on work surface with point facing up; place 2 tbsp cabbage mixture on bottom third of wrapper. Fold bottom point of wrapper over filling. Fold in sides and roll up until 2-inch (5 cm) triangle of wrapper remains at top. 

Lightly brush triangle with water and roll up to seal. Repeat with remaining filling and wrappers. Place on greased baking sheet. You can make these ahead by covering and putting in fridge for up to 8 hours. 

Combine sesame oil with remaining vegetable oil; brush all over spring rolls. Bake in 425°F oven, turning once, until crisp and golden, about 20 minutes.

Chili Garlic Sauce: Meanwhile, in small bowl, whisk together vinegar, honey, water, soy sauce, garlic and sambal oelek until honey is dissolved. Serve with spring rolls.

This recipe makes 12 serving(s)

Window Washing — Pros –  Sparkling windows, sun shining through, nice smell, satisfaction of clean house, envious neighbours, one less thing on my ‘to do’ list. Cons – wasted time that I could have used to work on my novel.

Photo courtesy of Google Images

Photo courtesy of Flickr:WANA Commons

Writing Novel — Pros – Creative outlet, exhilarating high of writing, satisfaction of a finished novel, pride of accomplishment, I can finally contact my graphic artist who has promised me this last cover of five, and I haven’t spoken to her in over a year so she probably thinks I’m dead. Cons – wasted time that I could have used to wash my windows. 

Photo courtesy of http://www.motherearthliving.com

Recipe and Content courtesy of Pat Crocker for http://www.motherearthliving.com

I’ll be glad to see the backside of April and its cold temperatures, snowfalls and chilly rains. May is one of my favorite months of the year (the other being September), and in honor of my Scottish ancestry, I’m featuring a May Day Feast derived from the traditions of the Ancient Celts, who ate and drank heartily during their traditional fire festival on the eve of May Day, which celebrated the return of the light half of the year.

From the fulachta fiaolha (cooking pits of the Celtic tribes), this feast features organic flavors of the wild, with foods gathered from the seas, the forests, and the meadows.

Beltaine (pronounced Bee-YAWL-tinnuh), is one of two pagan fire festivals in the Celtic year. Held on the eve of May Day, April 30, it marks the beginning of summer and the light half of the Celtic calendar, and it celebrates the return of life and fertility.

A May Day Feast

WARM WILD MUSHROOMS WITH BAKED GOAT CHEESE

Serves 4

The Celts mined salt in Hallstatt (in modern Austria) and are thought to have helped introduce butter churning to modern Europe. They made cheese, especially goat cheese, and preserved it with salt.

12 ounces chanterelle, cap, shiitake,
or oyster mushrooms
1 large garlic clove, chopped
2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives
2 ounces soft goat cheese, cut into 4 rounds
2 cups mesclun or spinach
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
2 tablespoons chopped fresh tarragon
2 tablespoons chopped fresh marjoram
1/2 cup fresh nasturtium flowers (optional)
2 tablespoons white wine, tarragon, or white vinegar

Clean mushrooms and slice. Heat 2 tablespoons oil in skillet and cook garlic, mushrooms, and chives over medium heat until just tender. Season with salt and pepper. Lift mushrooms out of pan with slotted spoon onto lightly oiled baking sheet, dividing into 4 portions. Place goat cheese round in center of each pile. Bake at 400°F about 4 minutes, until cheese melts and browns slightly.

Meanwhile, wash and dry lettuce and herbs. Toss together with flowers in medium bowl. Divide into 4 portions and place on warmed plates. Add remaining oil to skillet, turn heat to medium, and stir to collect pan juices and bits. Add vinegar and simmer until reduced slightly.

Spoon hot mushrooms, juices, and cheese over lettuce, then drizzle with hot oil and vinegar. Serve immediately.

Drop by fellow Tasty Tuesday Author Selena Robins Musings for a delicious Baked Strawberry Cheesecake recipe! 

http://www.coolest-birthday-cakes.com/

Nancy Drew, the titian-haired sleuth beloved by readers for decades, turns 83 today!

It was on April 28th, 1930, that the first three Nancy Drew books – The Secret of the Old Clock, The Hidden Staircase and The Bungalow Mystery — were debuted by publishers Grosset and Dunlap as a breeder set, and were dubbed an overnight success. Nancy Drew was born.

Like many girls, I grew up on a steady diet of Nancy Drew Mysteries. Nancy was  young, pretty, rich, smart and brave. She drove a cool car and enjoyed a level of independence most girls could only dream about. She didn’t need to work  and seemed to have unlimited funds, thanks to her very generous, loving father. She even had an enviable personal life, a.k.a. Ned Nickerson. I not only wanted to read the books, I wanted to ‘be’ Nancy, even for a day. 

If I actually met a girl like that, I might be green with envy. But Nancy, dubbed the ‘Barbie of the written word’, was too humble and nice to dislike, and remains a great role model for young women all over the world.

Nancy Drew has experienced many changes since her auspicious beginnings, and is still going strong at 83. A new series, the Nancy Drew Diaries, debuted this February with two titles, Curse of the Arctic Star and Strangers on a Train. 

So here’s wishing you a very Happy Birthday, Nancy, and many more to come!